What are defence mechanisms and how can we recognise them in our self and others?

What are defence mechanisms and how can we recognise them in our self and others?

Everyone one of us if we choose to be completely honest with ourselves have at some time in our life used defence mechanisms as a way of protecting ourselves from feelings which arise as a result of our ego feeling threatened in some way and coming under attack.

Defence mechanisms are not something we can always consciously control, they can often be non voluntaristic but can often lead to what others may perceive as unpleasant behaviour leading to inevitable judgement if they are not recognised for what they are. A huge reason why I am so passionate about tantra is that it encourages people to remove the mask and be free to be who they really are and yet so many of us continue to wear these masks to enable us to continue feeling confident in our everyday lives.

Unfortunately, we are often our own harshest critic and for most people situations that bring uncertainty into our lives can often trigger an unconscious set of protective measures that help us to deal with the uncomfortable emotions we are feeling in an easier manner. For example have you ever been rejected on a date and so automatically blamed the other person for it not been successful? Have you been turned down for a promotion you really wanted and then blamed your employer for not seeing your potential? When in reality due to a lack of awareness, self-reflection and taking responsibility it was the easier option to blame others rather then look internally.

 This is why to me self-development work is so essential, as human beings we are constantly evolving and changing and in order to grow we need to invest time in ourselves rather than just simply choosing to ignore our short falls as it’s the easier option.

 I personally through 30 years of self-development have learned to appreciate that as human beings we never stop learning. It is only by becoming more self-aware that we are then able to see the ‘bigger picture’ as opposed to just our own view and this in turn will have a huge impact in how we then choose to relate to not only ourselves but others also.

There are many defence mechanisms and I’m sure you will be able to recognise some of these traits in either yourself or others you have come into contact with, so which are the most prominent ones and how can you acknowledge them?

Avoidance: A simple way of coping with something by not actually having to cope, finding ways of not experiencing feelings of discomfort when they arise, for example dealing with a phobia and trying to imagine it’s not actually happening although you know it is.

Affiliation: When we subconsciously transfer the negative associations of a past experience, our prejudices and expectations into a present situation, for example bringing past hurts from a previous relationship into a new one and and in some cases blaming your partner when actually they have nothing to do with your past.

Sublimation: This occurs when we are able to change our emotions from being destructive into being constructive. For example at school a child may be getting bullied but instead of getting angry and retaliating he instead puts his energy into excelling further in his studies to achieve success. 

Denial: An attempt to ignore realities which are unacceptable to us by simply not acknowledging them. An example is a drug addict who continues his habit and insists he is in control when he knows he is not and he is in fact on a journey of self-destruction.

Reality Anxiety: An impending dread and fear that something is about to happen even if it is unfounded. For example going horse riding and feeling you will fall and hurt yourself even if you are being led by someone else so the chance is extremely remote it can still trigger those who are susceptible.

Projection: A process in which blame is attached to others or the environment for what you feel to be unacceptable desires, thoughts or mistakes you have initiated. For example a wife may blame her husband for a car breaking down due to her putting diesel in the car instead of petrol and then stating it is his fault, as he left the petrol tank near empty when he would normally fill it up.

Displacement: The transferring of emotional reactions from one person or object onto another. For example a man has had an argument with a colleague at work and instead of dealing with his frustration at the time comes home and then takes it out on his wife, to rid himself of the negative feelings he has.

Intellectualisation: This is when rather than deal with something that will create emotional pain we use rational explanations instead to avoid dealing with how we really feel. An example is a mother who discovers her child is terminally ill and unable to accept it she then starts to read everything she can about the condition in an attempt to use intellect, hence removing herself emotionally and avoiding feeling the pain associated with the inevitable loss of her child.

Compensation: An attempt to cover up a weakness by emphasising a more desirable trait and over achieving in a more comfortable area. For example a young model who does not have the height to do catwalk work which is her dream instead becomes a makeup model in which she then excels.

Identification: Imitating another person’s behaviour who is feared or respected in an attempt to help manage Anxiety. For example a student taking a class on flower arranging will copy exactly the arrangement that her teacher has just shown her.  

Introjection: A way of accepting other people’s views and values onto yourself, even when they may have been contrary to your previous assumptions. For example a child may say to his younger sibling ‘don’t tell lies’ when he has actually learned this from his parents through his own experiences.

Minimisation: Not taking responsibility for the significance of chosen behaviour so they can decrease responsibility. For example at a dinner party one partner saying to guests after he has been caught drink driving to ‘not to believe everything they hear about them’ even if it’s true.

Rationalisation: Justifying certain behaviour by faulty logic and motives that are seen as socially acceptable but did not actually inspire it. For example a woman breaking her partners ornament and then saying it was fine because he never really liked it anyway.

Regression: Resorting back to an earlier and more comfortable way of functioning that is less responsible. For example for Valentine’s Day a young woman has an argument with her boyfriend and starts to have a tantrum due to him not buying her the right kind of flowers.

Repression: An unconscious mechanism by which unpleasant feelings or thoughts are preventing from becoming conscious and recognised. For example a man struggling to cope with guilty feelings as he was driving a car which then skidded and killed his wife but not him, will try to block the memory of the accident until he feels he can cope.

Defence mechanisms are instilled within us from birth and as a result it can be helpful to acknowledge that people often do not say or behave the way they do for the reasons we may initially think and feel. If there is a lack of understanding or trust in your relationship or within yourself this can then lead to conflict potentially in some circumstances.

There is an important quote by Peter Druker ‘The most important element of good communication is hearing what isn’t said’ and how true this is and yet how unfortunate that this concept is not always recognised. There are many things in this world we are unable to control, but one thing we can is how we choose to process and hence react to other people and situations. I have often heard people making excuses for bad behaviour towards others saying they were provoked but then that is saying you do not have any control over your own life and therefore you are completely disempowered and this is simply not true .

We all have to take responsibility for our own actions, as children it is something we learn but as adults it should be something that is instilled in us although of course this will depend on our individual upbringing and the role models in our life we encountered but more importantly our awareness and the willingness to take responsibility.

Taking the time to care for our bodies by working out at the gym and eating well is important but equally so is taking the time to really look deeply into ourselves to consider our real motives behind our chosen behaviour. By simply becoming more open and able to be honest with yourself you are then able to develop and grow that self-connection that is so essential .I appreciate that for some people they may find my openness and honesty too intense and yet for others they may find it refreshing in a world where we may not always feel safe to express who we truly are. I have made so many mistakes throughout my life and as I mentioned previously I am constantly learning from them because I’m open to recognising and taking responsibility for my short comings as well as my attributes. I’m far from perfect of which I’m very much aware and previously I have used defence mechanisms as a way of protecting myself and exploring the shadow part of myself has not always been a pleasant experience!  However, in order to grow it is necessary and with self-development inevitably comes awareness, confidence and empowerment.  There are still situations that will trigger me and inevitably I will still make mistakes as I’m only human but I am committed to ongoing development so I can discover my potential, whilst continuing to learn those all essential lessons along the way in this ever changing and exciting exploration throughout life…..

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