What is a Narcissist and how to survive a relationship with one

 What is a Narcissist?

Narcissists can inherit their toxic behaviour due to childhood trauma, negative parenting styles( ranging from feeling rejected or neglected to being over spoilt as a child ), cultural influences or genetics .

Narcissists are easily recognised once you are aware of the signs which include an over exaggerated sense of self importance , an inflated ego, obsession with power and success, a need for constant admiration, lack of empathy , envy of other people's achievements, entitled and arrogant and unrealistically high expectations of others.

Looking at this list you may be thinking why would I be attracted to a person like this,but this is where the Narcissist really excels, due to their innate ability to wear a mask and portray to the outside world a very different picture of who they actually are . They may appear to be charming and when you first meet them they will use techniques such as love bombing so you are attracted to them when in reality they are just manipulating you so you are easier to control .Once they are sure of your affections they will discover your weaknesses and use techniques such as gas lighting or blaming you for a situation that they have willingly created just to make the victims feel insecure and doubt themselves and therefore make them easier to control and manipulate

For this reason they are often attracted to partners with low
self esteem, vulnerable or with weak boundaries as they are the easiest to exploit.

Narcissists have no conscience or empathy and get their power from creating chaos and controlling others and they refuse to accept responsibility for their behaviour. They may try to draw a wedge between you and your loved ones so once isolated you feel completely reliant on them which is when brainwashing begins and the victims may feel they are going crazy and their mental health will plummet. The Narcissist will take great pleasure in watching his or her victims suffer and then will come to their aid making the victims feel that they are looking out for them.or helping them when in reality they are making you question your sanity as it's all part of the game for them.

How to survive a Narcissist relationship and keep your self esteem intact

We have previously discussed how to recognise a Narcissist by their characteristics and we have explored their manipulative and highly destructive behaviour so how can you keep your sanity if you find yourself either involved in a relationship or even worse have a parent or employer that displays these negative characteristics?

We freely choose our personal relationships, career choices and friendships , but what happens if the Narcissist is a parent or caregiver or you are married with children when the choice to end the connection is not so simple?

The first factor to understand is that Narcissists thrive on controlling and manipulating others using whatever techniques they are able too. For this reason limiting the amount of contact will be very beneficial in addition to setting strong boundaries so you are not taken advantage of .

Forming close friendships with others will give understanding and provide support, so you feel you are not alone and you may find seeking professional help through counselling beneficial to help to protect your mental health and realise you are not too blame.

Try to engage as little as possible in conflicting situations as you are guaranteed to come off worse or end up feeling either exhausted, distressed or guilty so instead focus that energy into protecting and conserving a safe space for yourself.

Narcissists feel that they are superior to everyone else and therefore they are not interested in either hearing your opinion or being conscious of your feelings, because as far as they are concerned the only opinion worth listening to is their own. Narcissists rarely change and you can be deluding yourself if you feel they will, it doesn't matter how much you love them or feel you can help them to change it simply does not happen, so maybee if you find yourself in this situation instead of constantly making excuses for their toxic behaviour start planning your exit strategy if that is an option .

Anxiety, fear, flashbacks, PTSD , nightmares and hyper vigilance can occur following a Narcissist relationship and it can take years to fully recover.

Why can we base our self worth on other people's opinions?

There are numerous factors that can contribute to a lack of self worth and these include difficult childhoods where you did not have the emotional support you craved, bullying, being compared to others, witnessing or being a victim of a traumatic event or been subjected to rejection or criticism from a variety of sources.

It is really important to understand that people will always believe what they feel is the truth and that includes what their opinion is of the person you are and nothing you can do or say will change that. We can often use so much energy trying to prove our self worth to others so that we may feel more validated , when the truth is the only person you need to prove your own worth to is yourself !

People who are content and happy within their own lives do not cause pain to others, what is interesting to understand is that the very people who are most likely to willingly cause pain and distress to others are often the ones who are the most hurt and actually need the most love themselves ,as the saying goes ' hurt people hurt people' and these individuals have often been victims of pain themselves that they have yet to heal from and they are simply reflecting to others behaviours and emotions that feel familiar to them.

When we are hurting internally, we close ourselves down to stop us feeling more pain, numbing our senses with various toxic substances or through negative self conditioning. Although we are destroying ourselves , the pain feels familiar and much safer than undertaking in the necessary healing work where we may need to open ourselves up and become vulnerable so we choose to stay as we are

It is all too easy to place blame upon ourselves and feel it is our fault or that we simply were not worthy or good enough to deserve love and respect , when in reality we were often unwilling victims caught up in a cycle of toxic behaviour of which we had no control.

The universe will always send you the right people who will either complement your life or teach you lessons, either way both are equally beneficial in helping us to grow and become stronger internally.

Elizabeth Lock      Holistic Therapist 
www.yourcuddletherapy.co.uk   heal@yourcuddletherapy.co.ukwww.yourinnerglow.co.uk         heal@yourinnerglow.co.ukwww.yourtantrictouch.co.uk      heal@yourtantrictouch.co.uk