What are the roadblocks to listening within our relationships?

What are the roadblocks to listening within our relationships?
One of the most important qualities of a relationship whether
personal or professional is that both parties feel that they are able to communicate effectively and therefore are able to be fully understood. In our relationships there will be times when we have succumbed to road blocks, as imperfect human being s we all have done it at some point and therefore it can be interesting to become more aware of how we personally relate to others on a daily basis to help us not only communicate better but to be able to listen more effectively also.
Have you ever found yourself doing any of the following?
Ordering and commanding: Have you ever felt that you know what’s best for someone else that your way is the only way and have had no problem with openly expressing your own personal opinion? But while you were doing that did you stop to think that by being overly authoritative, it was actually incredibly belittling to the other person even if you felt you were genuinely trying to help?
Telling someone what to do is not in any way empowering, however by giving that person a little space to work things out for themselves instead of insisting they do things your way can make a big difference … suggestions are always received much more openly then commands which can be seen as controlling.
Warning and Threatening: Have you ever been focused on pursuing a goal and someone else feels they know what’s best for you? – I recently have been pursuing my own personal goal which once I have achieved it will literally change my life. This goal involved me keeping incredibly focused, disciplined and working very hard and long hours for many years which was extremely challenging mentally and physically but too me was well worth the effort for such an achievement.
However, what I personally found incredibly frustrating was when some well-meaning friends and family would criticise how hard I was working as they were concerned that it would affect my health and would constantly point out the risks I was personally very much aware of, instead of offering support and encouragement which was what I really needed.. All this served to do was to make me feel inadequate and that they had not fully understood the reasons for my goal otherwise they would offer support instead of reflecting onto me their personal feelings regarding my choices.
I know that was not their intention but just speaking from a personal perspective criticising other people’s actions just because you personally do not agree with the way they are doing things will either hugely affect that persons confidence or as it was in my case make that person dig in their heels even harder and be more determined than ever to prove you wrong!
Sometimes we will not always agree with how others choose to live their lives but do we really have a right to voice that to them? Sometimes it can help to look at the bigger picture and see the situation from their perspective as opposed our own. We all choose different paths as we navigate our own journey with different priorities what is right for one person will not be right for another, which is why acceptance and unconditional support are so important.
Moralising and Preaching: We may feel more superior and that we know what’s best for others, then we can start indirectly preaching to a significant other who instead of receiving the feeling of being listened to and heard is instead met with moralisation. We can get passionate to help others and give guidance particularly if it is someone we care about but sometimes people need to make their own mistakes and we all have a shadow self with our own personal concerns and issues, nobody is perfect. Guardians or Parents can at times be overly protective, every parent wants the best for their child and yes guidance is essential to enable our personal growth but if we are not free to make our own choices also how will we gain the confidence needed to follow our own paths?
Effective communication is about two people understanding each other, not just one been heard whilst the other is completely misunderstood. Sometimes all that is needed is someone to listen, understand and offer fresh insights not too preach!
Advising and giving solutions: We all like to feel we are the masters of our own destiny but how often have you received advice from a person who suggests what they would do or what is right for them but this is not the right advice for you? Sometimes people need space so they can come to their own conclusions.
Giving logical arguments: The mind is comprised of 3 parts and each one of us operate from a specific one most of the time emotional (makes decisions on what ‘feels right’) rational (focused and logical approach) and empathic (balance of the two also known as our ‘gut feeling’) If you as a rational thinker are trying to give your point of view to someone who is an emotional thinker it can cause misunderstanding …the head and the heart can think very differently!
Judging and disagreeing: No one likes to be judged, yet how often do we really listen and see things from that persons view point as opposed our own? How often have you felt misunderstood and judged and then just closed down to that person as you feel they can only see things from their own perspective? How others see things are the way they are for them, just because it does not fit in with our own ideals does not make their opinion wrong. When we disagree we are judging and when someone feels that they are not been listened to or fully understood the relationship cannot build and ultimately suffers …
Praising and Agreeing: Sometimes praise is essential ,as children we thrive on it and if we achieve things or goals important to us we appreciate it however, some people are addicted to praise and will stay in situations that do not make them happy just to get it. For example a relationship or job which offers no other benefits to their personal growth. Agreeing with everything a personal friend, partner or contact says is very patronising and actually offers no value or insight to that person or their opinion. It simply shows you are not interested in really understanding the situation for what it is, but simply that you are agreeing just to show you are paying attention. Some people do not want to change, mature or grow, they just want approval and validation.
Opinions and labelling: Have you ever met someone who at first you may not have been sure about or heard somebody else’s opinion about them which may have prejudiced your own, but then as you got to know them more and your understanding increased so did the connection between you? It can be easy to listen to other people’s opinions about others and in some cases feel biased but is this really fair to form an opinion of somebody you do not know …how would it make you feel if that happened to you? Sometimes we can be quick to judge others without taking the time to discover the full story about who someone really is and not just our initial perception.
Sympathising and reassuring: There will be times in life when we will all need to feel sympathy or reassurance from others but have you ever met someone who was constantly in need of sympathy and reassurance? Some of us constantly look to others for validation when actually the answer is within ourselves as nobody knows what is better for us then we do ourselves. Stroking another person’s ego may provide them with a temporary source of reassurance but then are you really supporting them in building maturity and taking responsibility for their own decisions?
Probing and Interrogating: Have you ever felt that when you have been confiding in a close contact that they are more interested in the facts you are telling them then actually what you are really trying to tell them? Compassion is key and sometimes it is only through taking the time to really hear what is being said instead of focusing on the drama of the story that we can fully understand and see things completely differently.
With drawing and diverting: Have there ever been times when you have been confiding in a close friend, family member or partner and you just felt they had withdrawn from the conversation either through a lack of interest or because it had in some way triggered them on a personal level? Sometimes we can be told things that we find uncomfortable to hear so we unconsciously divert the story that is been told to us and channel it in a different direction. This does happen and it’s more common than you would initially think.
Too communicate well with others it is not enough to simply listen to what they say, nonverbal communication including posture, body language, eye contact and gestures is equally important and can send out very important messages that need to be heard and understood. After all isn’t that what we are all ultimately striving for in our relationships? A connection where we feel seen, heard, understood and therefore completely and utterly unconditionally accepted for who we really are? This is certainly true for me, how about you?

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