What is NLP and how can it benefit us in the way we communicate with others?
Every individual person will experience life and therefore learn to communicate with others through the 5 main senses of smell, taste ,touch, sight and hearing, although the degrees to which we use each of these senses will be determined by our own individual situation and circumstances.
We rarely communicate through taste and smell therefore the other three senses of touch, sight and hearing naturally become the most predominate. So what is the difference in the three main senses used and why can it be helpful to learn how others choose to communicate with us?
If we are able to understand and respect our differences then we are able to relate much easier to others, if a person has a hearing or sight impairment they may naturally find one of the others senses becomes an easier way to communicate, it really is quite remarkable how we take the most simple things for granted when in reality at any time one of these can change.
If we can understand that we all communicate in different ways then it can help us to really listen to what that person is saying and their words so you can learn to communicate across all levels.
So how are the main ways that people will choose to communicate based on their dominant sense?
People who communicate through sight and use a visual modality experience everything through what they see, visual people often get excited very easily and speak quickly, they will get very enthusiastic about things and will see life as the bigger picture which is how they may choose to describe or process different situations. Do you know someone who regularly uses the phrase ‘Well as far as I can see …’ if so you may be communicating with a visual person. These people respond best to communicating with visuals such as pictures, videos or slides.
Do you know someone who learns by listening? If so they are auditory in the way they communicate it is likely they will listen very carefully to what you say so choose your words carefully. It is through listening and hearing they will feel most connected and may find themselves reading out loud so they can hear their own words so they feel they really know the meaning behind them, as an auditory person you may hum to yourself ,enjoy soft music playing or find yourself talking to yourself or others if you become bored! Auditory communicators can however become easily distracted by noise because they are listening so intently. Music, audio books and chatting on the phone are ways they relate comfortably but be aware of your tone to avoid any misunderstandings!
Have you ever met someone who likes to relate to others through touch? Do they take time to process what they will say therefore responding more slowly, they like to know that their reply feels rights to them, they may move their hands or arms a lot, people who communicate through touch can be sensitive and are often connected to themselves and have a good degree of awareness and balance, they are often affectionate and may use phrases such as ‘well you have to take the rough with the smooth’. Kinaesthetic communicators learn by doing, moving or hands on experience and they rely on their intuition and gut feeling often to see if something feels right to them.
So where can conflict or misunderstanding occur? People are not their emotions and yet how easily others can react sometimes if a loved one doesn’t quite seem like themselves, it may seem a natural reaction to feel it may be something we have done or something that may have occurred they are choosing not to share with us?
Have you ever mistaken a person’s silence and automatically jumped to conclusions without even speaking to that person? Just recently a friend of mine called me very upset and said her husband had accused her of having an affair after my initial shock I asked her on what grounds and she replied because she had been distant recently as unknown to him she had contracted a serious illness and did not know how to tell him.
Has this situation ever happened to you not this particular one but has someone known to you or a loved one automatically jumped to conclusions based purely on their own interpretation of a situation, maybe they have personally been triggered for example silence can be essential to some (myself included) when I need to rebalance within myself as otherwise I can easily feel over whelmed, yet to others it can be misread as avoidance of them personally or may trigger their own insecurities in some other way.
Have you ever been on the phone to someone and felt they were not really listening to you? Maybe they were distracted on social media or by their children so they appeared to be listening but were not really aware of what was been said and yet this happens all the time. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen couples out in restaurants communicating not to each other but to other people on their mobile phones whilst ignoring the person sitting in front of them …or how often do we form our own interpretation of a text message which may be completely inaccurate and can lead to serious misunderstandings.
At our most basic level we all simply want to feel listened to and understood but how often does this really happen? When you come home to your partner at the end of the day do you focus solely on them and your children or do you find yourself checking your mobile or social media accounts? We have all done this at one time myself included as it’s so easy to get distracted in this modern world and empathy is not a given skill ,however if we try to put our self in someone else’s shoes it can help us to understand more about them or their situation .
What fascinates me about the human race is although we are all connected in some way in other ways we are completely different and that is what makes us so interesting as individuals. As a human race there are 6 main ways that we individually choose to fulfil our emotional needs, so what are these?
Maybe you are a person who thrives on certainty, security is very important to you having your mortgage and bills paid and being responsible and self-aware is very important to you (I’m this kind of person it makes me feel safe and stay grounded). Could you be a person who loves uncertainty? This person loves to live on the edge they are thrill seekers and often recognised in dare devils or people who like to push boundaries, they like variety and struggle with routine.
Maybe you are someone who values significance above everything else? Many career driven people can relate to this, their position and what they achieve is a real priority to give them their sense of self, or do you value connection and love as your driving force? These are often people whom will prioritise their children and family life as a source for their own happiness, maybe growth is what motivates you? I know for me this is a big one too I feel personally I can’t grow without constantly learning, reading books and studying is a normal part of life for me. Finally are you a person who thrives on contribution? Maybe the way you feel truly fulfilled is through helping others either through your work or charity, it could even be through helping out around the home or assisting your partner with the children.
Whatever it is that drives you it will differ with every one of us, at times this will cause misunderstandings and create tension and at other times differences will bring people closer together. The most important factor is too do what makes you happy and to live your life for yourself and not for others, celebrate the fact we are all different isn’t that what makes the world go round after all? Can you imagine how dull life would be if we all thought and acted the same way? Celebrate your uniqueness and revel in the fact no matter how different you may feel to others just the realisation that in this world of so many people there is not one other person who is exactly like you and there never will be and just how incredible is that?
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